We have officially crossed the 365-day threshold in the countdown to the 2012 Presidential Election. What a lot of people don’t realize is that this election officially began the instant Barack Obama won in 2008. Sadly, that is what it has come to in this country – the 24-hour news cycle, the Internet, a generation of individuals walking around with smart phones that have instant access to all kinds of valuable “information” while on the go… it all has created a gargantuan gap that needs to be filled with the spectacle, petty disagreements, and controversy that only an election can provide. Why focus on how we can fix our problems when we can focus on who gets the chance to ravage us further in a few years?
If you’re like me, you just can’t wait to vote in the Republican primary. If you’re not like me, you probably have no clue who to vote for. Allow me to help. There have been a slew of Republican candidates that in the previous few months have risen (and fallen) to claim their right to challenge Obama for the presidency. The analysis from political pundits has been covered on the networks to the point of saturation for all those willing to watch. They are giving you waaaaaaaaaaay too much information. Here is all that you need to know about the Republican “candidates.”
Michele Bachmann – Representative from Minnesota
Representative Bachamann won the “vaunted” Ames, Iowa Straw Poll. This poll is a prestigious and important event – important in that if it were never held, no one would have ever heard of Ames, Iowa. This dramatic 129-vote destruction of runner-up Ron Paul thrust Bachmann into the national spotlight, and a share of the lead in the Republican polls. Then people listened to the words that came out of her mouth. Her platform consists of repealing Obamacare, erasing unemployment by repealing Obamacare, fixing the housing market by repealing Obamacare, and ending the threat of Sharia law in this nation by repealing Obamacare. The only problem in this country she would need to fix with a different remedy is gay marriage (which she can just pray away). She will say anything to get elected – Obama is a socialist bent on ruining the country, the HPV vaccine causes mental retardation, and that the hurricane and earthquake were messages from God telling us to reign in government spending. She has absolutely no chance of getting the nomination. None.
Newt Gingrich – Former Speaker of the House from Georgia
Speaker of the House Gingrich is the fourth and current leader in the polls for the Grand Ole Party. He last was relevant while lobbying hard for the impeachment of then-President Clinton for his various moral indiscretions. He was of course, at the same time, cheating on his second wife with his current third wife (which he managed to somehow publicly blame on his deep love of… America. Seriously). He has performed exceptionally well in debates due to his grasp of domestic issues and his ability to give these things called detailed answers. He also adds an insult to the mainstream liberal media with every answer, further increasing his standing in the polls. Regardless of all of this, his personal life will destroy his campaign for the same reason he worked to remove Clinton from the Presidency. He has a 1% chance of getting the nomination.
Rick Santorum – Former Senator from Pennsylvania
This man should be running for local evangelist, not President. He has a 0% chance of getting the nomination. For more information, see here:
.
.
.
.
Ron Paul – Representative from Texas
He says exactly what he means. He is honest. He is intelligent. He would actually try to do everything he says he would do. He can’t be bought by lobbyists. He will never get the Republican nomination. So much for honesty being the best policy. Our teachers lied to us. He has a 0% chance.
.
.
Herman Cain – Chairman of Godfather Pizza
Herman Cain has a slogan you need to get used to. It’s easy – it goes “9-9-9.” It is his answer to almost every question, and it is exactly why his fans love him. He was the third Republican front runner, but has faded in the last 10 days due to allegations of sexual harassment from his days atop the National Restaurant Association and his recent discovery of China as a nuclear power. His “9-9-9” plan involves a 9% business transaction tax, a 9% personal income tax, and a 9% national sales tax. He would erase the entire current tax code. Like Ron Paul, he says what he wants to do – it’s just that he doesn’t know what else he wants to do besides “9-9-9.” His lack of foreign policy experience, personal life, and tendency to refer to himself in the third person lead me to give him a 0.5% chance that he gets the nomination.
Jon Huntsman – Former Ambassador to China and Governor of Utah
This is the individual who SHOULD get the Republican nomination, if things like common sense, principals, experience, and a chance to win the freaking election actually mattered. He is rationale, coherent, well-spoken and actually thinks for himself. He is a conservative on some issues and moderate on others. He believes science isn’t perpetrating a massive hoax on humanity in the form of global warming, which is downright shocking in a field of science-deniers. His ideas on foreign policy… wait for it… make sense. If the race holds its current pattern, Gingrich will be out of the lead in the polls within a month… Huntsman could do well in early primary states in the first months of 2012 and sneak his way into the nomination. He is my dark horse candidate. People unfairly compare him to Mitt Romney because he is a Mormon and a former governor. The difference is that Huntsman does not have a record of changing his position for political expediency. He has a 5% chance.
Rick Perry – Governor of Texas
Perry entered the race with great fanfare. Highly respected amongst the Tea Party, Perry shot to the lead in polls instantly upon declaring his intention to seek the nomination. Democrats didn’t like him because he reminded them of George W. Bush. Republicans liked him because he reminded them of George W. Bush. He has a knack for fundraising, and will openly tell you that giving speeches is not his skill – politicking is. This is what makes him dangerous. His performances in the debates, however, have become the stuff of legend. He regularly mixes up thoughts in mid-sentence, and his 45-second attempt to conjure up the third federal agency he would destroy will be fodder for Saturday Night Live. In New Hampshire, he by all appearances was ripped out of his mind while giving a campaign speech. Regardless of all of this – he has a 10% chance of getting the nomination due to his conservative credentials. At an early debate, the moderator mentioned Perry’s record for executions as governor of Texas – the crowd roared their support for Perry’s tally. That tells you all you need to know – the man has a shot.
Mitt Romney – Former Governor of Massachusetts
Meet your 2012 Republican Nominee for President, Governor Mitt Romney. He talks like a President, acts like a President, and looks like a President. He is intelligent, coherent, and could actually win the election – and a large percentage of Republicans hate him. Despite all of his positives, Romney has never polled above 30% among registered Republicans. They distrust his religion (he’s a Mormon), the fact that he is from Massachusetts, and that he has a habit of changing his positions when he knows it can win him an election (abortion, gay marriage, etc.). What we have here is a man who has Republican principals with the economy, the scope of the government, and in foreign policy… who has Democratic ideals with regards to many social issues (health care, gay rights, abortion). He realized he would only stand a chance on a national stage if he switched positions… so he did. If he would have switched his positions from a desire to have a progressive tax to a flat tax, Republicans would accept him as someone who had seen the light. But because he switched on social issues that many Republicans feel should be been embedded in him from birth, they can’t seem to forgive him. It seems as though many Republicans would rather lose to Obama in 2012 and give Chris Christie a shot at 2016. It’s almost spiteful. Regardless of all of this, I give him an 83% chance at the nomination due to the far right being terrified of a second term for Obama…
Who gets the last 0.5%????? Sarah Palin. Why? Because how could I go an entire blog post without reminding Republicans that they have people in their party who feel Sarah Palin should be President. Good talk.
Where Was It 